ENGLISH JOKE:

IN A BEAUTY PAGEANT CONTEST

EMCEE: what is your favorite color?
Miss America: Red because it stands for courage.
Miss Puerto Rico: White because it signifies purity
Miss Philippines: Blie because it means blue job

FILIPINO JOKE:

may girl at boy..

boy: punta tau sa madilim na lugar.
girl: bkit?
boy: trust me/
girl: OK

(nung nasa madilim na lugar na cla, nag hubad anh boy)

girl: maghuhubad din ba ako?
boy: bkit tatae ka rin ba?


ANOTHER FILIPINO JOKE:

DOC1: laki ng tt ng pasyente ko parang UPO
DOC2: alam ko husband xa wife q
DOC1: anu naman sakit ng wife
DOC2: NA DISLOCATE ANG PANGA.

Another filipino joke:

lola: damuho ka intsik ka, hinalikan mo apo ko
intsik: hinipo lola! hinipo
lola: damuho ka tlga! hinipo pa
intsik: hinipo lola!
lola: damuho

INTERNATIONAL JOKE:

Question: what is a difference between a bitch and a nurse?
Answer: A NURSE gives you first aid and a BITCH gives you AIDS first

ANOTHER JOKE:

your in an elevator w/ your crush. Accidentally, you farted.
what will you do? JUST SMILE then say. I had a nice cellphone ring tone right? it is also scented..

ANOTHER ONE:

BOY: hey I have a gift for you.
GIRL: really? what is it?
BOY: SECRET
GIRL: your so sweet your keeping secrets
BOY: STUPID! secret for your underarms

ANOTHER:

BOY: use PWE! in a sentence
GIRL: don't know eh, you can.
BOY: you're so cute and beautiful
GIRL: w0w! that was nice but where's the PWE?
BOY: PWE!!

ANOTHER JOKE:

[BOY TALKING TO A PRIEST]

BOY: father, did god make me?
PRIEST: yes
BOY: how about my siblings.
PRIEST: YES MY SON
BOY: and is he the one who gave us house?
PRIEST: yes kid.
BOY: also the food?
PRIEST: everything my son
BOY: my mother was right, my father was useless

LAST ONE:

BOY: lolo, nag sesex pa ba kau ni lola
LOLO: oo pero "ORAL" NLNG pag nakahiga na kami sa kama sasabihin ko sa kanya fuck you tpos ssbhn nya fuck you too.

HAHAH I WILL GO FIND MORE JOKES!!

i'll add some...

Quote:

"MERON" Sexy: Maawa ka, huwag mo akong gahasain..meron ako Rapist: ahh,, walang meron-meron sa akin,, titikman kita!!!!!! Sexy: huwag! Ayyyyyyy!!!! Rapist: yaahkkkkkk!!..MEron ka nga... meron ka ngang itlog..BAKLA!!!!!

Quote:

GIRL: bakit mo ba ako nagustuhang ligawan?? BOY: kc mabait ka, pino ang kilos, maganda, simple manamit hindi mahalay magsalita at higit sa lahat mahinhin ka as in dalagang pilipina... GIRL: wushuu ...malaki ba et!ts mo???>.<

Quote:

"BUS HINOLDAP" HOLDAPER: Rereypin ko lahat ng babae dito!!! PROSTI: AKo na lang po maawa kayo sa kanila!!! MADRE: Waaaaaaaaaaahh!!! EPAL! lahat nga raw eh!! PAkialamera tohh! badtrip!!!!

Quote:

"WALANG PERA" GF: Hatid mo ako Bf: wala 1kong pera.. naoperahan c lola,, la pa padala c erpat... GF: Ayaw mo?? Di ka maka-score sa akin!! BF: Aba! tingnan mo nga naman,, may naipit palang P200 sa wallet ko

Quote:

*galing sa motel boy: ok ba hon? girl: uu nmn hon..enjoy nga e..may tanugn ako sau.. boy: nu un hon?? girl: pang-ilan akong babae dinala mo d2?? boy: aw..kaw plng hon.. girl: talaga??....^_^ *may dumaan na boy(janitor).. janitor: oh sir!!ayus ah!!....first time kta mkta babae ksma mo sir!! boy: hehehe..uu naman..bagong buhay na to boy.. janitor: oo nga sir....e sir..wula nb kau nugn lalakeng ksma mo nung isang araw??sayang un fuge pa nmn......

Quote:

boy guwapo + girl ganda = made in heaven boy guwapo + girl panget = true love boy panget + girl ganda = galing diskarte boy panget + girl panget = no choice

Quote:

"RUSH" misis: bakit dinala mo sa bahay ang trabaho mo?Huh?? mister: Sorry hon, rush 'to eh kaya dito ko tatapusin!!!!!!! misis: Buwisit kah! Eh EMBALSAMADOR KA!!!!

Quote:

Victor:"pare Tasyo..lagyan mo nga ako ng tattoo.." Tasyo:"bakit pare?" Victor:"kasi palagi pinagkakamalan nila akong bading!" Tasyo:"ok pare,saan mo gusto ilagay tattoo mo?" Victor:"dito sa dalawang eyebrow ko...para bonggaa. Tasyo:"halata nga pare...(bading ka)"

Quote:

Ina:Anak.Tawagan mo nga tatay mo sa celfon.Pauwiin mo rito (Pagkatapos Tawagan) Anak:Nay babae po ang sumagot Nanay:lintik sinabi ko na nga ba may itinatago yang tatay mo eh! Ano ang sabi Anak:You only have zero pesos in your account...Hinde ko na po tinapos Nay mukhang matapobre eh!

Quote:

ANG NAKARAAN.... May ibinulong ang daga sa elepante. Biglang hinimatay ang elepante. Ano ang ibinulong ng daga? DAGA: Buntis ako, ikaw ang ama! SA PAGPAPATULOY.... Dahil di makapaniwala ang elepante, dinala nya ang daga sa doctor. Tuwang-tuwa ang elepante at masayang ibinulong sa daga ang resulta ng ultrasound. Biglang hinimatay ang daga. Ano ang ibinulong ng elepante? ELEPANTE: Ako nga ang ama, at elepante ang anak natin, at kambal sila!

Quote:

BUNSO: Tay , may multo daw sa kusina natin? TATAY: Anak, sino naman nagsabi sayo nyan? BUNSO: Si ate po! TATAY: Ay nako, wag ka nga magpapaniwala dun! Wala namang multo eh! Ang mabuti pa samahan mo na lang ako sa kusina, at iinom lang ako ng tubig...

Quote:

BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas.... TINDERO: Wala kame ubas .......(kinabukasan. .. ) BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas..... TINDERO: Wala kame ubas .......(kinabukasan ulet... ) BATA: Mama , pabili nga po ng ubas.... TINDERO: Sinabi na ngang wala e! Pag nagtanong ka pa, iistepler ko na yang bibig mo! ......(kinabukasan ulet.....) BATA: Mama , may stapler kayo? TINDERO: wala... BATA: Pabili nga po ng ubas!

Quote:

GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako! BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah! GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako! BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!

Quote:

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir. Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa! Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

Quote:

Sgt: Boss, nakatakas si Al-Ghozi. Ebdane: Huh! Did you seal all exits? Sgt: Yes, sir! Ebdane: Eh paano siya nakatakas? Sgt: Doon po kasi siya lumabas sa entrance.

Quote:

Frankie: Doc, bat tuwing umiinom ako ng coke sumasakit ang dibdib ko, pero pag libre di naman? Doc: normal yan, manipis ang atay mo pero makapal ang mukha mo!

Quote:

TEBAN: Pare sinong idol mo? GOLIATH: Si Arnold Schwarzenegger. TEBAN: Sige nga, spell Schwarzenegger. GOLIATH: Hindi, joke lang pare, si Jet Li talaga idol ko.

Quote:

"KATULONG" Donya: bilang bagong katulong, tandaan mo na ang almusal dito ay alasais emunto Maid:Walang problema, Donya, kung tulog pa ako sa oras na iyon mauna na kayong mag-almusal

Quote:

lawyer: nasaan ka noong nangyari ang krimen? witness: nasa bukid po. lawyer: anung ginagawa mo sa bukid? witness: tum@t@e po lawyer: ilang hakbang ka mula sa pinangyarihan ng krimen? witness: abay loko ka ba? meron bang tum@t@e ng pahakbang-hakbang?

i'll add again later

read on guyz...

Quote:

nang sumali si inday sa deal or no deal... Kris: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa gameshow na ito importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal. Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-risin g household service s manager na si Inday! [ument ra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao] Kris: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase. In day: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please. Kris: Briefcase # 4... si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4? Inday: Oh, do you really want to know Kris? Kris: Oo naman. I'm sure kaya ko naman maintindiha n yung sasabihin mo eh. Ind ay: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution func tion that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions. Kris: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh. Kris: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open. I nday: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20. Kris: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case... Inday: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we're to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right? Kris: Hayyy...babaguhin pa talaga mechanics (bulong sa sarili). Kris : Anwyay, di bale na lang nga... tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie buksan na!! [Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!! LOWER!!!] Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan... Inday, usually ang mga contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng "LOWER" every time magbubukas ng case. I nday: Kris, I guess that's not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add "ER" to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right? [ natahimik ang audience at napaisip] Kri s: Oo nga no! Kris: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na. [Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso... Palakpaka n ang mga tao] Kris: Good start! Ano yung next case mo ulit? Inday: Case number 24 please. Kris: Chloe... buksan na... [Audien ce sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!! LOWER!!]<BR> Kris: Wait lang guys, Inday may nabuksan ng case baket di ka pa rin sumisigaw ng "Lower"? Inda y: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh. [Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik] Kris: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang nga, pati na rin yung 12, 2, 15 and 20 buksan na rin para matapos na. [naiirita na] [At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang mga case ni Inday] [nag-r ing ang phone] Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I'm not interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It's quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately reject ing the first offer. I mean come on, isn't that a waste of airtime? Banker: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kwarto ni banker]

How Do You Know One When You See One?

In a grand ballroom party conducted by the Philippine Society of Colleges and Universities, the Chairman of the Board got curious in knowing what particular schools attended the big celebration. So he checked out the house where it was all happening. Guess who he found out and where he found them?

UP (Diliman) - everybody was lined up to the attic to have a fraternity ritual
UP (Los Banos) - they were in the garden mowing the lawn
UP (Manila) - they were into "masamang bisyo"
Ateneo University - they were inside the TV room with a microphone chanting the "BLUE EAGLE" spelling
La Salle - they were eavesdropping
St. Louis - they were in front of the air conditioner
UE - they don't know what's an air condition
UST - they were everywhere
FEU - they were nowhere
MLQU - sob! they were not invited
San Sebastian College - how the hell did they pass by security?
Letran - the Security
Mapua - they were fixing the leak in the roof
TIP - they were the ones who created the leak
NU - they were outside the house selling cigarettes
JRC - they were the ones buying
Adamson University- went to Luneta Park instead and was having a good time
Sta. Isabel College- joined in and were Adamson's dates
CRC - what the hell is this party for?
PSBA - what the hell is CRC?
NCBA - what the hell is PSBA?
San Beda - some were beside the Ateneans while others where with Paulinians
St. Paul College- they thought they were with the Ateneans
La Consolacion - they wanted to be the Paulinians
Holy Spirit - they want the Paulinians
Miriam College- they were beside Ateneans . . . like always
Assumption - they were inside the bathroom three hours already since arriving
St. Scholastica - they were next in line
CEU - some were doing the dishes while others were busy with the laundry


Mahirap Ang Lahat

Sa UP, mahirap ang Math.
Sa Ateneo, mahirap ang English.
Sa La Salle, mahirap ang parking.
Sa Santa Isabel College, mahirap ang walang pera.
Sa UST, mahirap umuwi kapag baha.
Sa Adamson University, mahirap umuwi kahit anong oras.
Sa St. Scho, mahirap sumakay sa LRT
Sa San Beda, mahirap maging lalaki.


Where To Go To College?

If you have a lot of brains and a little money, go to UP.
If you have some brains and some money, go to Ateneo.
If you have no brains and lots of money, go to La Salle
If you have no money, go to PUP.


Friends at Hunting

Three friends La Sallite, a UP stude, and an Atenean went on a hunting trip.

The first night, the guy from UP comes back to cabin with a big deer. The others ask him how he did it, and he cooly replies: "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!"
The next night, the guy from Ateneo comes back also with a big deer. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! I got the deer!" was the Atenean's story.
So the La Sallite decides to try it himself. But the next night, as he drags himself back to the cabin, his two companions find him bruised and bloody all over. "What happened?" they ask? "Well," replies the La Sallite, "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and bang! A train hit me."


Pasikatan ng Graduates

UP: A number of past Philippine presidents graduated from UP. Presidents oxas, Quirino, Laurel, Garcia and Marcos, to name just a few!
ATENEO: Hah! That's nothing, a number of Ateneo graduates became national heroes like Jose Rizal, Gen. Gregorio del Pilar, Gen. Antonio Luna, Evelio Javier and many others.
UP: That just goes to show you, UP graduates become presidents and lead countries while Ateneans end up getting shot!
LA SALLE: Wala 'yan. Talo kayo sa mga gradweyt namin!
UP & ATENEO: Bakit sino ba ang mga graduates ninyo?
LA SALLE: Aba! Marami kaming sikat na gradweyts; si Gary Valenciano, Dingdong Avanzado, Ogie Alcasid, Monsour del Rosario, Rico Yan . . .


CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

A few days before Christmas, the Monsignor thought it would be a good idea if he solicited the support of a number of the Catholic Schools to get together to create a Nativity Scene in time for the Christmas Mass. The day before Christmas, the Monsignor discovered that the Nativity Scene was still incomplete so he made a few inquiries on why this was so
Ateneo reported it could come up with only two and not three wise men.
La Salle reported it couldn't come up with even a single wise man.
San Beda reported that it could only come up with three wise gays.
UP reported that they killed the three wise men.


The Exam

Si Pedro at Cardo after the exam.
Cardo: Perdo, nahirapan ka ba sa questions sa exam?
Pedro: Hindi!
Cardo: Ang galing mo naman!
Pedro: Nahirapan ako sa answers!


Colonial Mentality

Dahil sa nananatiling "Colonial Mentality" ng ating mga kababayan, marami ang nagpapalit ng kanilang mga pangalan matapos silang sumumpa ng kanilang US citizenship. Sa ibaba nito ay mga halimbawa ng mga datihang Pilipino na tuluyan ng itinakwil and kani - kanilang pangalang Pilipino.

Pangalang Pilipino ... Ipinalit sa American Name

1. Restituto Fruto - Tutti Fruti
2. Casimiro Bocaycay - Cashmere Bouquet
3. Rogelio Dagdag - Roger Moore
4. Veneracion De Asis - Venereal Disease
5. Alfonso De Asis - Alzheimer's Disease
6. Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun
7. Francisco Portero - Frank Porter
8. Juanito Lakarin - Johnny Walker
9. Esteban Pagtakhan - Stevie Wonder
10. Leon Mangubat - Tiger Woods
11. Burgos Hari - Burger King
12. Ligaya Almundo - Joy To The World
13. Maria Natividad - Mary Christmas
14. Ligaya Anonuevo - Happy New Year


Ilang Tanong

Ano ang hayop na hindi sigurado? - Baka

Ano ang hayop na pinuputol? - Cat

Ano ang hayop na laging ayos? - Ox


Spelling

Teacher: Miguel spell horse!
--Miguel: H....O....
Teacher: Bilisan mo
--Miguel: H....O....R...
Teacher: Sabing bilisan mo
--Miguel: Ya! Tigidig!!!Tigidig!!! Tigidig...


An Alcoholic Son's Letter To His Dad

Beer dad,
Gin na ko mag-iinom whisky kelan. Tanduayan mo yan.
Your son,
Miguel. (ayos pare!!)


Ways To Know You Are A Filipino

1. You point with your lips
2. You nod upwards to greet someone.
3. You collect items from hotels or restaurants "for souvenir".
4. You smile for no reason.
5. You flirt by having a foolish grin in your face while raising your eyebrows repeatedly.
6. You go to a department store and try to bargain the prices.
7. You add an unwarranted "H" to your name, i.e. "Jhun," "Bhoy," "Rhon."
8. You put your hands together in front of you as if to make a path and say "excuse, excuse" when you pass in between people or in front of the TV
9. You like everything imported or "state-side."
10. You Check the labels on clothes to see where it was made before buying.
11. You always offer food to all your visitors.
12. You say "comfort room" instead of "bathroom."
13. You say "for take out" instead of "to go."
14. You asked for "Colgate" instead of "toothpaste."
15. You asked for a "pentel-pen" or a "ball-pen" instead of just "pen."
16. You order a McDonald's instead of "hamburger"(pronounced ham-boor-jer)
17. You say "Ha?" instead of "What."
18. You say "Hoy" to get someone's attention.
19. You answer when someone yells "Hoy."
20. You turn around when someone says "Psst!"
21. Your sneeze sounds like "ahh-ching" instead of "ahh-choo."
22. You prefer to make acronyms for phrases such as "OA" for over acting, or "TNT" for, well, you know.
23. You say "air con" instead of "a/c" or air conditioner.
24. You say "brown-out" instead of "black-out."
25. You have a portrait of "The Last Supper" hanging in your dining room.
26. You own a Karaoke System.
27. You own a piano that no one ever plays.
28. You own a "barrel man" (you pull up the barrel and you see something that looks familiar. schwing...)
29. You refer to your VCR as a "beytamax
30. You have a giant wooden fork and spoon hanging somewhere in the dining room
31. Your car has too many "burloloys" like a Jipneys back in P.I.
32. You hang a Rosary on your car's rear view mirror.
33. You order a "soft drink" instead of a "soda."
34. You refer to seasonings and all other forms of monosodium glutimate as "Ajinomoto"
35. This you 'll agree 100% ... Goldilocks" means more to you than just a character in a fairytale.


Asenso Na

IDOT: "Kumusta na? Long time no see ah!"
BONI: "Kararating ko lang galing sa Africa."
IDOT: "Africa?"
BONI: "Doon kami nadestino."
IDOT: "Hindi ba maraming cannibals doon?"
BONI: "Nakakatakot nga, pero mga edukado na ngayon sila."
IDOT: "Hindi na ba sila kumakain ng tao?"
BONI: "Nangangain pa rin ng tao, pero gumagamit na ng kutsara!"


Pilosopo

MR DANILO: "I am your teacher, I am good in three languages."
PIKAW: "What are the subjects you're good at?"
MR DANILO: "Oh, I like Math and English."
PIKAW: "How do you say 'good morning' in Algebra?"


Funny & True Pinoy Signs Found While Traveling

No parking and repair here - sign on a house beside a car repair shop

Taxi and outside cars not allowed - sign at a parking lot

No Crossing Pedestrians will be apprehended. - sign at Philcoa

Sorry for the inconvenient. - typical roadwork sign

Your taxes is working. Temporarily close. Yet another typical roadwork sign

Slow Men at Work - PLDT sign

Please help our comfort room clean. - sign at a self-service restaurant in Cebu

Fresh frozen chicken sold here - sign in a Baguio grocery

Welcome to the only Catholic Country in Asia! Beware of pickpockets - sign near a Church

None ID, nothing entry - sign at construction site, Cubao

No trispassing. If you trispass, you will be biten by d?dog. - sign in Tondo

now showing- the carpenters - on a sign outside a construction site

Jojo's Beauty Salon, for man and woman - on a billboard in Pampanga

Barya lang po sa umaga - sign in jeeps

Johnny's, the Fried of Marikina - they sell tasty fried chicken, guess where?

Petal attraction - pangalan ng isang flower shop

"...experience is needed but not required.."- sa classified ads

This one is not in Pinas pero pwede na rin siguro: A church sign in front of the priest's reserved parking space: THOU SHALT NOT Park Here!

Maruya Carey, BananaramaCue - sa menu signboard sa Potato Corner kiosk sa Greenbelt

Actual store names in Metro Manila believe it or not:

Ali Baka (Shawarma)

Anita BakeryActual store names in Metro Manila believe it or not:

Beefer 150 ( Meat Shop )

Common Cents Store ( Sari-sari Store )

Crispy per minute ( Crispy Pata Eatery )

Curl Up And Dye ( Beauty Salon )

Doris Day And Night

Elizabeth Tailoring

Farmacia With Love ( A Drugstore )

Felix the Cut ( Barber Shop )

Goldirocks ( Gravel & Sand Shop )

Labo Optical

Mane Attraction ( Beauty Parlor )

Meating Place ( Meat Shop )

Memory Drug ( A Mercury Drug Clone )

Nacho Fast ( Nachos To Go )

Passers Buy ( Convenience Store )

R. Maramot Leasing (A Batangas Co.)

Saudia Hairlines ( Beauty Salon )

Scissors Palace ( Barber shop )

Second Time Around ( Second Hand Watch Store )

TapSi TurBi ( Tapa, Sinangag, Turon at Bibingka

The Way We Wear ( Boutique )

Wash & Carry ( Laundromat )

MacDonuts ( Donut Shop )

Mat & Jeep ( Jeep Accessories Shop )

Mercy Buko ( Fresh Coconut Roadside Shop )

Pizza Hot ( Pizza Place )

Your Best Vet ( Veterinary Clinic )

I saw this bakery in Project 6. It's called Bread Pitt.

My friend saw a sign infront of a 7-11 Convenience store being built. It says "sorry for the inconvenience"

Lito...Lapida Maker!

King Tuckee's Fried Tsiken....

Jullibee's wonder Chicken...

Cheeny's Roasters...

"original 1935 pandesal for sale" - A pandesal shop in aurora boulevard

"cinavon" -- with matching cinema film type logo laundromat

Mang Donalds - burger shop in pasig town proper

Cooking ng ina mo - on a carinderia

Cooking ng ina mo rin - right across cooking ng ina mo

We make modern and antique furnitures - along a highway in Pampanga

On the Ofc door of Atty. Domingo Carriedo fr. Cebu: the sign says, Notary Public Tumatanggap din po ng labada tuwing Linggo.


Speaking Japanese - Filipino/English to Japanese translations:

Manok - Sekken
Mamaya - Sakana
Joke - Biru
Stereo - Akai
Cook - Giza-giza
Ayos - Furo oke
Fingernail - Koko
Laughed - Anata-wa
This - Itto
Small piece of cloth - Retasu
Cornfield - Mais-san
Hindi Masyado - Natsu
Cigarette - Yoshi
Ipagpaumanhin - Kamisori
Is this your property? - Arimoto?
Yes, this is my property.- Arikoto.
Is this yours? - Sayobato?
This is mine. - Sakinitu.
Can I have it? - Akinato?
You can have it. - Sayonato.
Can we have it? - Saminato?
You can have it. - Sanyonato
You've grown so thin! - Kitanabutomo!
We saw each other. - Kitakami.
We had a big get-together. - Kitakitakami.
That was my assumption. - Inakarako.
We will boycott the election. - Kaminoboto.
Are you a victim of discrimination? - Minamatakaba?
I give up. - Sukonako.
Ouch! - Haraiku!
What a sad life it is. - Hainaku.
Is this your car? - Otomoto?
Is this my car? - Otokoto?
Is this your noodles? - Mikimoto?
I'll take this. - Kukuninkoto.
This is my desk. - Itodesko.
Speechless? - Wasabe?
An ampalaya (bittermelon) - Kurukurubot
What are your thoughts? - Kuru-kuromo?
I am thinking. - Munimuniko.
Are you playing the guitar? - Gigitaraka?
Is this your underwear? - Jakeemoto?
Are you annoyed already? - Iniskanabane?
You're crazy!!! - Sirauromo!!!

KRAM...read what conan just announced....dont double post XD

Yung ibang joke kornie ^^

danger... can you delete my second post? i'll just add it to the first... hehe

dude, were you referring to this post by Conan? If so... i think I did not make any violations here... he said SPAM and repetitive spams and non-topic related... my second post is not a repeat of the first and definitely not spam. cheer up dude

PEDRO ORDERS A PIZZA:
WAITER: SIR DO YOU WANT ME TO CUT YOUR PIZZA INTO 4 OR 8?
PEDRO: 4 NA LANG, BAKA DI KO MAUBOS PAG 8.

ALAM MO BA NA ANG PELIKULANG "MULAN" EH 5 PART SERIES?
PART 1: "MAMBON"
PART 2: "MULOG"
PART 3: "MIDLAT"
PART 4: "MULAN"
COMING SOON PA ANG PART 5: "MARAW" NA!

Signature Brands
CK--------Cavite Kamiseta.
YSL-------Yari Sa Laguna.
UCB-------Under the Coconut tree in Baclaran.
DKNY------Divisoria Kanto Ng Ylaya.
GQ------ Galing Quiapo


@jawee214
ok lng yan fafs mas kornie mas maganda at mas makaaktawa^_^

huwahaha thx 4 replies more jokes..

kRAm,,sakit ng tyan ko kakatawa..now ko lng yun na read,...and tsaka...sinabihan ka ni danger,..natatawa rin ako..double post ka pala..

nyahahaha...

sensya na po..babaw ng kaligayahan ko..

palipas oras lng for the depression i've got from the board exam result...

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako
virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa
bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami
sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake
ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay
inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife
and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MONA!!!

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO
HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na
to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising
bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

HEHEHHE!

Population policies of countries:
China : Stop at 1 child.
Singapore : Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA : we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA : you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!


"SUMPA"
Hindi na makakatikim ng napakasarap na 'Sex' ang huling
bumasa nito!
Ayos safe na ako...papayag ka bang IKAW ang huling
babasa nito?
hehehe!!!

ang cocorny ng other jokes..pero in fairness,,nice tlaga..

sakit nga ng tyan ko kakatawa..

wahehehe... corny ba jokes ko???? hi po, nice to meet u

Food for the rich: SUTUKIL- sugba, tula , kilaw
Food for the poor: GIPUSIL- ginamos pug-an sili
Food for the very poor: GITOOK- ginamos gitongtongan sa OK-Ok!

KUGMO

kung ang kugmo tam-is na-a kay sakit nga DIABETES
kung ang kugmo aslom na-a kay sakit sa KIDNEY
kung ang kugmo parat na-a kay sakit sa ATAY
kung ang kugmo imong TILAWAN na-a kay sakit sa UTOK!

naay IRO bright kaayo imong pangutan-on 2 + 2 motubag ug 4 ka aw-aw...nakahibalo among silingan gipangutana ug 2 million + 2 million....HANGTUD KARON SIGE PA AW-AW NIWANG NA KAAYO ANG IRO.

BOTYOK: mama-ak ba ni inyong IRO nang?
NANG BERTULDA: Loy , dugay na gyud ko nagpuyo ning kalibutan...wala pa gyud ko
kadungog nga dunay IRO nga MANUMBAG.

MAESTRO: TEBAN use deduct, defense, defeat and detail in a sentence.
TEBAN: sus sir kasayon ra ana!
TEBAN: Deduct jump over defense,defeat first then detail!

Mga Bisaya'y di ko maintindihan. Inglis nang isda -- pis; nang mukha -- pis; nang pandikit -- pis; nang kapayapaan -- pis; tinanong pa ako kung saan ako nakatera -- Pis I or pis II.

Lawyer examining a witness on a vehicle accident: Where were you sitting when the impact came?
Court interpreter to witness: Asa ka man naglingkod sa pag-abot sa impakto?

kontes sa bangis nga iro
Dunay international kontest sa pinakabangis nga IRO,
Dunay dagko german sheeperd, ang americano nag dala police
dog, ang uban hunting dogs. Dagko kaayo ug mga kadena kay
molugnot man sa kaisog. Ang ulahi gitawag pilipino, bisaya kaaju.
May dala siyang IRO gisulod sa tangkal, niwang ang IRO ug
kagiron.

Gibuhian ang mga IRO aron mag-away, patyanay. Gihurot
pagpamaak ang uban nga iro sa bisayang iro. Hasta ang mga
tawo gipang-gukod kay pama-akon. Champion si Pinoy.
Gi-Pangutana: Bai unsa man nang klaseha imo IRO nga mangtas
man kaayo ? ? ? ? mopalit ko ingon niana bloodline .
Tubag ni Bai : " I R O N G B U A N G " nyaaaaaahhh ! ! !

Husband (hubog) : Darling , atong CR ba, Morag gi-abat!?
Wife : Ngano man?
Husband: Kay kada abli nako sa door, mosiga man ang suga.
Wife: Animal ka!! Ikaw diay nangihi sa pridyeder!!


maestra: karon mag study ta ug spanish.......ang "bata" sa spanish "nino".........ang
"dalaga".........."bonita".......dayon tawag sa mga estudyante.....
maestra: mark.........unsay spanish sa maayong buntag or good morning......
mark: "buenas dies"......
maestra: Pedro..........what's good evening in spanish....
Pedro: buenas noches.....
maestra : muy bien........very good.....now let's practice it using in the sentence.......
maestra: juan.....(nagkurog-kurog).......use the "BOY RUNS SO VERY FAST"......
juan : hayyyyyy......salamat.....ma'am..."EL NINO MI SOTOY".....ngeekkkk..

SA MAKA IN-TINDI LANG

Makalagut jud!

Asawa 1 - akong ba
na Engineer, sus makalagot sigi lang erect ug erect.
Asawa 2 - akong bana Doctor, maglagot pod ko kay sigi lang inject ug inject.
Asawa 3 - akong bana Attorney, sus makalagot jud sa tanan kay sigi
lang postpone ug postpone.

Sa Pare

Bisaya1: nindonta sa awto, siguro sa mayor na.
Bisaya2: dili bay sa hepe siguro na.
Bisaya3: tonto jud mo! kang father na, tan-awa gisulat na gani sa likod o! SAFARI!!!

Apelyido . . .

Pari: Unsa gani imong apelyido sister?
Madre: Imo baya nang hagkan kada adlaw father.
Pari: Ha! bisong imong apelyido sister?
Madre: Sus maryosep! Cruz father oy..

Pilay anak

Nurse: pila imo anak nang?
Patient: 15 kabuok mam.
Nurse: sus, ginoo daghana gud! wa ka mogamit ug pills, condom ug uban pa jud?
Patient: krus my heart, wa koy lain gigamit Oh ten ra jud!…

PANGIT

Eloy: Pre, sa imong banabana, guwapo ba ko?
Andoy: Pangit ka ug nawong, Pre.
Eloy: Pagtarong diha, Pre, ha! Unsa’y pangit?!
Andoy: Imong nawong, pangitaon kaayo ba!!!

AMERIKANA

Juan: Bay Pedro, pananglitan kung ikaw ug usa ka amerikana nasaag sa lasang. Unya diha’y mga igorot nga nagukod ninyo. Sa daplin sa sapa, nakakita ka ug sakayan. Pero, usa ra ka pasahero ang masulod aning sakayana.. Unsa ma’y buhaton nimo?

Pedro: Aw, biyaan na lang nakong amerikana, Bay. Bahala na’g unsa kagwapa nang Amerikanaha na. Luwason nako akong kaugalingon. Ikaw, Bay unsa may buhaton nimo?

Juan: Bugo ka man diay, Bay. Akong isul-ob ang amerikana una ko mosakay sa sakayan.

LAYO ANG MANILA

Bata: Tay, hai may mas layo?ang buwan o ang Manila?
Amahan: Layo ang Manila, Dong.
Bata: Layo ang buwan, Tay, uy.
Amahan: Kung layo pa ang buwan, nganong makakita ka man sa buwan?Unya kita ka sa Manila?

WALAY SALA

Inahan: Mangumpisal ta rong Dominggo ha aron pasayloon ta sa Ginoo sa atong mga sala.

Anak: Nay, unsa may buot ipasabot anang bata nga makasala.

Inahan: Panaglitan, kung ang bata dili motahod sa ginikanan, mao na’y bata nga makasala.

Anak: Wala ko’y sala, Nay, kay nitahod man ko sa sugo ni Tatay sa pagpangawat og manok sa atong silingan.

BAYOT

Amahan: Wala ka’y uwaw nga pagka-anak. Nakit-an ka sa atong silingan nga nisulod ug gay bar. Bayot ka! Bayot ka! Imong gipakaulawan ang atong pamilya. Maayo pa’y molayas ka aron dili ako makonsomisyon nga ako duna’y anak nga bayot!

Anak: Saba diha, Tay, uy. Mora sag dili ka bayot!!!

Muslim ug Kristyano

Muslim: Palit naka mo sa perfume nga snow white and seven dwarfs, humot kaayo.
Kustomer: Pre! baho man lagi ning usa ka garapa, Muslim: Ooooy! namatay man god ang usa ka dwarf.

Muslim: Palit na kamo sa sing-sing nga pure gold, bisan pag itunlob sa suka dili gyod molobad.

Kustomer: Ha ba diha ka pre, ming lubad man lagi ning sing-sing human ug tunlog sa suka. Muslim: Tungod kay dili man god pure ang suka.

Insik, Kano ug Pinoy

Intsik - “sa amo sa Tsina, usa ka sakong harina isulod sa dakong pugon, pagula dagkong pan ug kuwarta na”

Amerikano - “sa amo sa Amerika, usa ka dakong baka isulod sa dakong makinarya, pagula ang bukog butones na, ug ang unod de lata na”

Pinoy - “sa amo sa Pinas, pagsulod soreso, pagula tawo”

Barberong Pinoy

Usa ka barberong Pinoy nga bag-ong salta sa Amireyka dili pa kaayo maka mao nga mo-iningles. Human niyag alot sa kustomer nga nakatulog, nakalimot siya unsa-on sa pagingon ang nahuman na. Sa kalit nakahinumdom siya nga kon mahuman ang sine, sa katapusan sa pelilkula duna’y “The End”. Samtang nagba-id siya sa labaha iyang gipukaw ang Kanu ug miingon, “Joe, this is your the end.”

Pinoy Paks Masin

Pinoy sakay sa eroplano para mag tour sa Europe may kaabay siya nga duha ka Asian, Japon ug Insik. Sa ilang biyahe nagkaila silang tulo, naghisgot sila sa mga bag-ong teknolohiya nga gikan sa ilang nasod.

Matod pas Japon - “kining akong ball pen camera ni”,

Ingon sab ang Insik - “kini sab ako sing-sing alarm watch ni,

Sus, kay ang Pinoy na-atol man sab nga nagda-ut iyang tiyan ug nangutot ug may turbo sound pa gyod [purrrrorrrrrot].

Nakurat Japon ug Insik ug nagdungan pag-ingon - “unsa man ron?” Tubag pas Pinoy - “mao toy bag-ong teknolohiya nga bag-ong produkto sa Pilipinas ang paks masin na-a sa sulod sa human body.”

Kinsay Da Bes Nga Mabana!

Upat ka dalagang Pinay nurses naghinambugay kon kinsay ilang pamanhon.
Nurse 1: Ako ang akong gustong mabana ENGINEER.
Nurse 2: Nganong ENGINEER man?
Nurse 1: Tungod kay ang ENGINEER, sige lang erect ug erect!
Nurse 2: Bitaw no!…. Ako ang akong gusto ACCOUNTANT.
Nurse 3: Nganong ACCOUNTANT man?
Nurse 2: Tungod kay ang ACCOUNTANT, sige lang enter ug enter!
Nurse 3: Mau ba?… Ako ang akong gusto nga mabana DOKTOR gyod.
Nurse 4: Ngano man bi, nga DOKTOR man gyod?
Nurse 3: Tungod kay ang DOKTOR, sige lang inject ug inject!
Nurse 4: Wow, puro man big shot ang inyong gusto. Ako, simple lang.
Nurse 1: Oh kinsa may imong pamanahon bi?
Nurse 4: Gusto kog kanang pure nga BISAYA.
Nurse 2: Ngano man?
Nurse 4: Tungod kay ang BISAYA, gahi ug DILA!

astig ung joke ni kram!!

nyahihihi..

sang bundok mo nakuha yung deal or no deal na joke ,,kRAm!!?!!..

naka2log nga ako nagbabasa..pagod sa kakatawa..

riczon010...weee.

ako nakaintindi sa jokes mo...

nice one! ^_~

i'll add some..

PANO DUMISKARTE SA BABAE???

Lalake: Hi miss! Para kang Punong Kahoy ha!
Babae: Bakit naman??
Lalake: Ang sarap mong sibaken eh!

ANONG GAGAWIN MO PAG NAKAKITA KA NG BABAE
SA ISANG TABI??

Lalake: Hi miss! kanina ka pa walang kibo dyan ha!
gusto mo galawin kita??


USE IN A SENTENCE:

"Use CURTAIN and KITCHEN in a sentence"

Himura-: Curtain and Kitchen in a sentence??
we have a nice curtain in our kitchen.
Everlast-: Pare may mas maganda akong sagot dyan..
Himura-: talaga?? oh sige nga.. ano yun?? Use curtain
and kitchen in a sentence..
Everlast-: Aray!! wag mo kong CUR-TAIN.. masaKITCHEN.
Himura: Ah! ganyan pala ang gusto mo ha.. sige!

"Use PARACHUTE in a sentence"

Everlast-: Parachute is a device use for emergeny landing.
Himura-: Aba ok yan ha.. pero meron akong mas magandang
sagot dyan..
Everlast-: sige nga.. ano yun???
Himura-: Neng.. wag kang malikot PARACHUTE..
Everlast: BWISSSSITTT!
Himura-: Eh yun ang gusto mong laban eh..
Everlast: Puro ka kolokohan!


PANO MAMBARA NG ISANG TAO???

Lalake1: Pare ang gulo neto!
Lalake2: Ne-1 lang isa lang yan eh..

Lalake1: pare nakita mo ba si juan???
Lalake2: hinde ko sya nakita eh..
Lalake1: nakita-e?? ang baho nun! tae eh!

pag isa lang ne-1
pag dalawa na.. neto na..
pag tatlo.. ne-3
pag apat.. ne-4

Lalake1: ang gulo mo ah!
Lalake2: MOA?? ang layo nun..

ANONG SUBJECT ANG KELANGAN MONG PAGARALAN
PARA MAINTINDIHAN MO ANG MGA NGO-NGO???

SAGOT: PSY-NGO-LOGY

hahaha...

wula n aqng maisip ampf!

yun lang muna.

inday!